Divan

I guess I just wanted to write really, that’s all I wanted, I don’t really remember what I was thinking before I got here, but here I am, back in the track.
I guess I’m medicating myself with computers, youtube, masturbation and alcohol in order to remedy something.
Lack of commitment.
Lack of confidence.
Lack of certainty.
Fear.
Fear of not knowing what to do. Not knowing what I want, who I am and what makes me happy.
Not knowing what is the purpose of my life and not knowing where do I belong.

Ok, there’s a bunch of things I like doing. But I have fear. I fear doing them. I fear putting them in practice. I fear assuming I like them and I want them to be part of my life, and most importantly, the major part of my life, my job.
The really big issue is that I can’t assume to myself a job. I can’t look at something and say with all words: That’s my job, that’s who I am and nothing else matters.
I have really great fear of cook, music and philosophy. I have a huge fear of disapproval, of failure.
Of assuming a position I can’t handle.
Of saying I’m something I don’t really am.

The funny thing is, as I’m writing this down, I’m able to see the stupidity of this thoughts although they are very humane, they are what make me a human being. The uncertainty. The weakness.

I’m weak. And that’s fine. As long as I know and assume it, and address it, and realize it is happening and it’s always going to happen, no matter what, it’s part of life, it’s part of being human.
But I have to see it. And the most great act of courage I can make is knowing and assuming my weakness to myself. So I can see. Only after I actually assume I’m weak and address all my weakness, I’ll be able to overcome them. To do something about it.

And don’t think that only because I won the battle one time, I’ll be over it forever, because I thought I was over it some time ago, and it came back again, and it will always come back.
I’ll have to be very aware of it and never have shame in assuming it and fighting it over and over, again and again. Cause that’s just what life is, really. What being a human is.

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